


Zone Out

by Sebastanbucky



Series: Sickfics [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Passing Out, Poor Bucky Barnes, Sick Bucky Barnes, Whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:27:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29197593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sebastanbucky/pseuds/Sebastanbucky
Summary: Bucky feels like he will collapse at any moment. He figures he has two choices; faceplant the asphalt or admit defeat.---Bucky passes out while on a run with Steve.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Sickfics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2142609
Comments: 6
Kudos: 55





	1. Zone Out

**Author's Note:**

> This story is inspired by my own life. 
> 
> I take Stucky sickfic requests!
> 
> Title from Zone Out by Waterparks<3

Bucky is exhausted. His depression has been acting up this week. He isn’t _depressed_ , he just has _depressive episodes_. He’s usually fine, happy, but every couple of months depression comes out of nowhere, for no reason and ruins his life for seven to ten days. He knows it will pass soon, he just has to get through some tough days first.

He ignores the feeling of someone sitting on his chest and goes about his days, with considerably more effort to do the same things. The last thing he wants when he feels like this is sit down and listen to his head. Bad things happen when he listens to his _depressive episode_ head.

It’s before 6 am when he wakes up. He knows it’s before 6 am because Steve is still sleeping. He should sleep more. His limbs feel heavy and his eyes burn every time he blinks. His mind has other plans though. The negative spiral starts again, just like any time he has a moment to think.

His body aches when he gets out of bed. Lack of sleep and food for three days will do that to you. He eats, he hasn’t been starving for four days, eating just takes much more effort than usual, just like everything else.

He drags himself into the kitchen and leans on the counter. The clock on the microwave says it’s just after five, so Bucky decides to take a shower and try to force down some breakfast before Steve wakes up.

The shower leaves him lightheaded. He’s not sure if it’s the heat or the hunger. When he feels like this, he showers in the hottest water he can bear, not feeling like a normal temperature will clean him enough.

He forces down a banana before getting dressed. It’s like his stomach closes and never wants food again. Eating becomes so difficult that he has only been able to force down a little bit of food over the past few days. Far less than someone with his metabolism needs.

Bucky is sitting on his laptop, filling out paperwork from a recent mission when Steve appears. Steve knows Bucky is in an episode, and will no doubt try to cheer him up all day. He loves Steve, and he loves him for trying, but sometimes it gets to be too much, and makes him feel worse when it doesn’t work.

“Coffee?” Steve asks, knowing Bucky will say no. Bucky hates coffee with a passion. He pretends to be very distracted by the boring paperwork as he shakes his head.  
  
“Breakfast then?”  
  
“Already had some.” One banana counts, right? At least he ate something.

When Steve is done eating breakfast, Bucky wordlessly closes his laptop and joins him in changing for their run.

It’s still dark out when they start running around the compound. They usually run ten miles, no problem. Their serums are different, so while Steve doesn’t even break out a sweat, Bucky is usually soaked, but he manages to keep up with Steve.  
  
Bucky’s legs start burning sooner than normal and he’s already gasping for breath after five minutes. At least the burning in his lungs distracts him from the tightness. Bucky suddenly stumbles, almost falling. He stops to catch his breath for a moment.

“You okay?” Steve asks as he keeps jogging on the spot, not out of breath or sweaty at all.

“Just tired.” Bucky starts running again to avoid starting a conversation. He pretends not to notice Steve glancing at him as if to check if he’s okay.

They run for a few more minutes before getting to a drinking fountain. Bucky stops and drinks to soothe his burning throat. He leans on the fountain for longer than necessary to make the ringing in his ears disappear. It subsides but doesn’t go away.

They stats running again, Bucky’s body screaming at him to slow down. He can’t stop, he’ll think if he stops.

Steve is concerned about Bucky. He knows Bucky’s having a hard week, but whenever he tries to bring it up Bucky doesn’t want to talk about it. Now Bucky looks like he’s ready to collapse, not halfway through their usual morning run. Bucky has already stopped a few times but looks persistent to continue. He will never admit he can’t finish their round, so Steve signals for them to stop and reties his shoelaces. It’s unnecessary, but he had to come up with an excuse to give Bucky a break.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He tries again.

“Yes.” Bucky tries to say confidently, but he’s swaying on his feet and his voice is weak.

“It’s okay if you’re not, you know.”

“I’m fine!” Bucky starts running again, or as close to running as he’s able to. Steve stays close to him. Bucky looks like he will collapse at any moment.

Bucky feels like he will collapse at any moment. The ringing in his ears is louder than ever and there are white spots in his vision. He figures he has two choices; faceplant the asphalt or admit defeat. He would prefer the latter.

Steve barely has time to stop himself before he runs into Bucky when he stops again. This time Bucky turns to face him and grabs onto Steve.

“Okay?”

“No.” He sounds faint.

“What’s wrong?” Steve puts his arms around Bucky’s waist to hold him up as Bucky looks weaker every second.

“Feel like I’ll pass out.”

Steve helps Bucky sit down, scared he will fall over. “You’re okay, put your head between your knees.” Bucky doesn’t move, instead his grip on Steve goes weak as he slumps over.

“Oh!” Steve exclaims in a moment of panic. He quickly catches Bucky’s head before it hits the ground. He unties the running jacket he has around his waist, curls it up and lays it under Bucky’s head.

Bucky is only gone for a few seconds before his eyes open.

“There you are.” Steve is concerned. Bucky has never passed out like this before. Bucky starts trying to get up, but Steve holds him down. “Hey, just, take a moment. We don’t want you passing out again.”

“I passed out?” He’s felt like this before but has never fainted. Maybe this is worse than he thought. “Haven’t been doing too well.” He mumbles.

“I know, but how does that explain the fainting?” Steve should have pushed harder, made Bucky talk about whatever was bothering him. How didn’t he see how bad it was?

“Haven’t been eating well either.” At that moment Bucky look so small. Curled up around himself, looking at Steve with teary eyes. Steve pulls Bucky up to embrace him, feeling the need to protect him.

“How about I call for someone to pick us up and we get some food you’ll be able to eat?” There’s no way Bucky will be able to walk home. “And then we’ll see what we can do to make you feel better.” Steve has a new mission. Help Bucky feel better, nothing else matters until this is achieved. Bucky smiles for the first time in days. He’ll be okay.


	2. Safe Zone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve takes care of Bucky and helps him work through his anxiety.

Bucky stays quiet as Steve unlocks their front door. He’s leaning on the wall with his eyes closed. Whether it’s the tightness in his chest or the hunger, he doesn’t know, but he feels too weak to stand on his own.

He feels arms picking him up, and then his face is in the crook of Steve’s neck. This is what he’s needed all week. He’s longed for the comfort of being in Steve’s arms, but rather than asking for it, he’s pushed Steve away.

Steve sits him down on the kitchen counter and starts opening the cabinets and assembling the ingredients for some meal he thinks Bucky will eat.

“What’s going on?” It’s the first time any of them speak since sitting on the pavement earlier.

Bucky shrugs, how could he put into words everything that’s going on inside of him right now.

“Are you at least breathing?”

Bucky chuckles. “No.” He forgets to breathe when he feels depressed. It’s like his breath stops in his throat. He’s only able to take shallow breaths because his body is so tense there’s no room for air.

“Alright, then breathe with me.” Steve starts breathing deeply in and out for Bucky to follow. Bucky tries, but in order to get a deep breath he has to let up the tension in his stomach.

“You know I can’t do that.” As he breathes out, he curls up even tighter. His therapist says the tensing up is a defense mechanism against emotions. It’s basically what your body does in a fight or flight situation in order to focus on the fear and do what you have to to survive.

Problem is, Bucky’s body has this response to normal life sometimes, and that’s when the spiraling happens.

Steve puts his hands on Bucky’s shoulders, and lifts his shoulders to make Bucky look him in the eye.

“You need to relax these muscles,” He touches a hand to Bucky’s tight abs, “and breathe. And when the emotions come, whether it’s screaming or crying or panicking, you are safe.”

What happens when you let your guard down after keeping it up for days? Too much, and Bucky refuses to figure out what it will be this time. He keeps his guard up.

“Buck…” Steve sighs, his voice soft. “I know it’s scary, but you know you can’t keep it up forever. We’ve done this many times before and we will get through it this time too, together.”

Bucky reluctantly starts letting go.

“Breathe.” Steve starts breathing noisily again. Bucky breathes, a little deeper for every breath until his breaths match Steve’s.

“Why does this always happen?” Bucky tries to chuckle, but it gets stuck in his throat. “It’s like I work so hard, I try so hard to just live my life.” His lip wobbles. “And I’m happy, I really am, but these episodes keep coming and…” A tear escapes, Steve wipes it with his thumb. “It’s like I can never escape my past.” The tightness in his chest has been replaced with sadness. The kind of sadness that feels like you will drown in it. He tries to tense up again, get rid of this feeling, the nothingness was so much calmer, but the tears keep coming.

“Maybe it’s not about escaping your past but learning to live with it.” Steve says calmly, his voice soft and comforting.

“So, is this my life now? Living a happy, normal life with you just long enough to forget. And then my past comes knocking and everything falls apart again, just like that? I don’t want that Steve.” He says it through tears. He’s so tired of these episodes. They come when he least expects them, and every time it feels like he’s back to day one.

“Do you remember how you felt when you first came to live with me?” Bucky nods. “You had panic attacks, night terrors, you couldn’t eat most things, you were stuck in your past. I know it feels like you are at your worst when this happens but think about it. Is it as bad as it was, or are you scared that it will be?”

Bucky squeezes his eyes shut as he remembers. The panic, depression, flashbacks, his body was just as bad off as his mind was after so many years of being abused and neglected, frozen and beaten.

“I’m scared. Terrified. Of being back there.” The tremor in his voice doesn’t come near showing how terrified he really is, but there is still a small voice in his head telling him how safe the brainwashing was. He feels sick at the thought.

“It would be weird if you weren’t. But you won’t, because you are strong, and you fight for the life you have. Everyone has bad days. Yours are worse than most people, and sometimes they’re bad weeks, but they are a little less bad every time. And eventually they will be normal bad.” Steve has a point, but Bucky isn’t ready to let it go yet.

“It’s like every cell of my body remembers, and it hurts too much sometimes. My stupid brain wants to feel that way again, and I don’t understand why, because it was horrible.” He wipes his face with his sleeve, “ _So horrible._ ”

“Of course you want to feel that way again.”

Bucky looks up in surprise. “What-”

“Just hear me out.” Steve stops to think for a moment, careful to word it right. “You were like that for seventy years. That’s what you know, and in some way that is safe. The routines, other people having the control, not having to feel or think or take care of yourself. As horrible as it was, it was simple. And now you have to do all these things for yourself, and you have to let your emotions back in and that is terrifying and overwhelming because you didn’t feel them for seventy years.”

When Steve puts it that way it doesn’t seem as crazy that he misses the winter soldier sometimes.

“You can have safety and happiness _and_ be in control of your own life. And most of the time you are because you’ve come so far. You have fought hard to recover from that, but recovery isn’t linear. Sometimes it’s harder, and sometimes you forget to fight and that’s what makes you human.”

Of all the things Bucky thought could happen today, blushing was not one of them. But he can’t handle compliments, and the things Steve is saying are making him blush. The warmth in his cheeks make him realize how much better he feels. The tightness is still in his chest, but he breathes through it, and that makes a huge difference. He reaches for Steve and pulls him into a hug.

“Thank you,” Bucky whispers. “For making me feel less crazy.”

Steve chuckles, “You’re not crazy, you’re just scared.” As cliché as it sounds it’s true. Fear will make you do crazy things, but that doesn’t make you crazy. Bucky needs to write that on the inside of his eyelids.

“I’m starving.” Bucky pulls back as his stomach growls. It feels like he hasn’t eaten in a week, which is kind of true.

“That I can do something about.” Steve says.

Steve lets Bucky sit in silence as he makes the food. He can see on Bucky’s face that he’s deep in thought. Bucky was always quiet when processing things. Ever since they were kids in Brooklyn Bucky needed time alone with his thoughts to figure things out. Bucky’s eyes move back and forth as if he’s filing away thoughts as he processes them, and every now and then he nods or shakes his head. Steve takes unnecessarily long time to make the food to give Bucky time.

“Steve?” When Steve turns around Bucky looks less weighed down than he did a few minutes ago. “I promise I’ll tell you next time.” Bucky doesn’t know if he’s making the promise to himself or Steve, or both. But he knows he doesn’t have to be alone next time this happens, and he won’t wait a week before saying anything.

“And I promise I’ll be here, always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this chapter!  
> Last chapter will be up as soon as I finish it :)


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